Up early? I like to listen to Paddy O’Connell at 9am on Radio 4. It’s a semi-political, opinionated show, with guests talking about the news. It’s amusing, witty… and I’ve been a guest, so obviously highly intelligent.

What’s next? We’ll take the dog for a walk. She’s called Charlie and she’s a very rare breed – a black poodle-poodle. She does her own stuff, chasing this, chasing that.

Breakfast? Maybe a bit of fruit, then I’ll look at the papers. If I’ve got lines to learn, I’ll do that. At 12.30, we walk to the pub for a pint of Butcombe. Then we walk back, have a brunchy lunch, scrambled eggs and toast.

Visit to the tip? We might go to the tip, you’re right. It’s fantastic, but they’re quite bossy: don’t park there, reverse here. Sometimes I’m recognised. I’m very chatty at the tip.

Afternoon activities? We’ll watch a bit of racing. I don’t gamble unless I actually go to the races, so I’ll just do an imaginary bet – and I’ll normally win.

You know your horses? I know a lot. It’s about the going, whether it’s soft, how long the race is, what the trainers say. Then anything can happen and you can get lucky or have no luck at all.

What’s for dinner? My gorgeous wife will usually do a roast chicken. I’ll do jacket potatoes, even with a roast dinner, because it’s healthier. Then she’ll settle into Call the Midwife and I’ll read. If I’m on telly, I’ll go out of my way to avoid it. Why bother? I know what’s going to happen.

Last thing before bed? My wife makes me a cup of Sleepytime tea. Sometimes I think she gives it to me to make me shut up. If I’m learning lines, then I’ll have a look… I was told if you put the script under your pillow, you’ll be word-perfect in the morning. It works brilliantly.

Talking Bollocks, Nigel Haver’s first ever live show, tours from 15 March