It’s War-War. Keir Starmer had come to the Govan shipyard to get us battle ready. The threat was real. The threat was now. His sweaty fingers hovered over the nuclear button. Any minute now he could authorise a first strike. Possibly by mistake. The world had never been more dangerous. It had taken all his self-restraint not to come dressed in uniform. Cos-playing a military commander is usually the point of no return for global leaders.

Keir’s message was stark. England expects that every man – and every woman – would do their duty. A war was both imminent and likely. This was no time for old people to moan about having their winter fuel allowance taken away. Rather they should be asking what they could be doing for their country. Joining the Home Guard. Knitting socks for fighter pilots.

This was no time for hard-up parents to demand that the two-child benefit cap be removed. Rather they should be getting their kiddies battle-ready. Teaching them survival methods for the new frontline. Buying them toy drones with miniature nuclear warheads. No one is too young to fight. Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.

In the new world order there would be no such thing as a civilian. Apart from the 650 MPs. They would play a vital role in the war effort by staying safely at home and telling the rest of us how we should die. It was a tough job but someone had to do it. A few even might get to make a few quid on the black market. Not to mention handing over food coupons and weapons contracts to cronies. Because they were worth it. Covid had been a good training ground for politicians.

Peace through strength. At times the language bordered on the Orwellian. But Starmer had a message he was desperate to get across. We were in the fight of our lives. No one was safe. To imagine otherwise was to be in denial. Even as he spoke, the Russians were plotting our downfall.

Don’t be fooled that the Russian economy was no bigger than Spain’s. Don’t be fooled that Putin thought he could take the whole of Ukraine in a matter of weeks and was still bogged down in a land and drone war more than three years later. Don’t be fooled that the Russian military is already overstretched. The Russians have just been playing hard to get. Lulling us into a false sense of security. Lithuania could be next. Then Germany. Then us. First he takes Manhattan. Then he takes Berlin.

Not every shipyard worker who had been enlisted as a backdrop for Starmer’s strategic defence review speech on Monday morning looked suitably impressed. Two stood stoney-faced and resolutely arms-crossed. Refusing to applaud either at the start, in the middle or at the end. Put them down as peaceniks at best. Traitors.

Keir, though, was not to be blown off course. It was his sacred duty as prime minister to maintain the country’s security. And we were now all in the frontline. So here was the deal. With the 2.5% of GDP that he had already committed to defence spending by 2027 we could get all sorts of exciting new “kit”. He and the military seemed to regard weapons as Toys for Grown-Up Boys. Twelve new conventional nuclear-powered subs. Loads of drones and long-range weapons stuff. Loads more warheads. Six new munitions factories. Ploughshares into swords. A military 10 times more lethal than now.

If this wasn’t thrilling enough, there was even better news ahead. Remember the peace dividend? Well, the new war dividend was going to make us all even better off. With the whole country now devoted to making and eating weapons, we were all going to have more money than we knew what to do with. There was money for all of us in weapons of mass destruction.

Starmer ended with a promise. He knew it was often extremely tempting for world leaders to want to see what all this hardware could do. But he would do his level best not to use it. It was there more as a reminder of our capabilities. That we weren’t to be pushed around or taken for granted. But hell, it would be quite fun to launch the occasional drone attack. Just to see what happens. After all, what was the point of all this kit if it just lay around for years in a warehouse?

Then came the questions. If the world was really as dangerous as Keir made out, how come it wasn’t a priority for the government to up the ante to 3% of GDP as soon as possible? Rather than just making it an ambition for 2034? Just think of what we could do then. We could conscript everyone on benefits straight into the army. A navy on permanent patrol in the Channel. If illegal immigrants knew they were all liable to be used as live target practice, then maybe they wouldn’t be quite so keen to come here. Starmer just shrugged. The time for foreign aid was over. Soft power was so last decade. The only language foreigners would understand now was war.

Starmer’s speech was met with predictable despair and contempt from the other parties. He hadn’t gone nearly far enough. Why couldn’t we have more weapons? Nigel Farage was already on a spending spree to make Liz Truss look frugal. One hundred billions pounds of unfunded cuts? Watch his beer. And his cigarettes. He would spend at least 3% of GDP now. Paid for by invading the Americans on the Chagos Islands and nuking Mauritius.

That just left Robert Jenrick. He too would outspend anything that Keir came up with. Paid for by killing fare dodgers. Most of all he wanted a war. A war against foreigners. Even Nato isn’t safe from Honest Bob. He wanted to protect good, old-fashioned British values. Like supporting the right to incite crowds to set fire to hotels with people in them. Like the right to exploit your expenses. Like the right to grant planning permission to your mates. Making Britain Great Again.