What is it about Giorgia Meloni? First, the Italian prime minister charms Rishi Sunak so that he melts in her arms. Then, just a few months later, she does the same to Keir Starmer. So much so that in his opening remarks at their joint press conference Keir could barely stammer out a few coherent sentences. Rome was amazing! The weather was amazing! All true, of course, but hardly insights worth a 24-hour business trip to Rome. Meloni must think all British prime ministers are a soft touch.

There again, maybe Rishi and Keir were simply caught unawares. Giorgia often comes billed as some satanic presence. The acceptable face of fascism. Only ever since she came to power, she’s rowed back on the extremism.

Which is not to say she is entirely wholesome. Just that she’s edged her way more to the centre right. Try to think of her as a slightly more intelligent Robert Jenrick. We’ve far more objectionable rightwing politicians in the UK. Suella Braverman and Nigel Farage for starters. So to find that Meloni is slightly more moderate than her reputation suggested must have come as a relief to Starmer.

In any case, it had been a great day for Keir. One of his best foreign jaunts since he had taken office. First, a few dreary meetings with business leaders and then a couple of hours shopping. His new recreational activity. A trip to the Armani store to try on their new winter collection. That had ended in embarrassment when the shop assistant had suggested he might like to pay for the suits he wanted. Keir had to let him know that he never actually carried any money. He had staff and friends for that. Then a visit to SpecSalvatori to order several pairs of new glasses. At least they didn’t want cash upfront.

Forty-five minutes later than planned, Meloni and Starmer began their press conference broadcast through a rackety feed that frequently buffered. Giorgia went first, speaking so quickly that the interpreter struggled to keep up. Often it felt as if she was just paraphrasing. The gist of her remarks seemed to be that she wasn’t quite as thrilled to see Keir as he was to see her. It was just another regulation day in the office. She had been happy to talk the Brits through her plans to tackle illegal migration and was pleased that Starmer appeared to have been paying attention.

“We must not shy away from brave other options,” she said. Brave as in unpleasant. Brave as in potentially illegal. Though she didn’t spell out what those brave other options might be. Probably best she didn’t. Wouldn’t do to frighten her guest so early in the proceedings. For now she wanted to keep Starmer on side.

Not that Keir needed much encouragement. No one could have been more Team Meloni than him. He was hugely grateful for everything Italy was doing. For being a key player in the G7. For its commitment to Ukraine. And for its success in reducing “irregular” migration by up to 60%.

We must do all we can to smash the smuggling gangs, he said. You get the feeling that Starmer is finding it quite easy to adjust to the realpolitik of being in government. Doing business with leaders he called out as undemocratic while in opposition. Turns out that even the most authoritarian leaders have their soft side once you get to know them.

Things got a little tougher when the media were allowed their questions. How serious was Keir about adopting the Italian scheme of processing claims in Albania? Only now did Starmer back off a bit. He had only come to Rome on a fact-finding mission. To see how other countries coped. And as the Albanian programme was not yet up and running, it was far too early for him to draw any conclusions. He was just being pragmatic.

What he was most interested in was sharing data. How the Italians worked with African countries to stop the flow of migrants. It didn’t appear to have occurred to him that there might actually be very few parallels to draw between Italy and the UK. And that even if there were, the UK may not want to adopt policies that were open to human rights abuses and might contravene international law. Though Starmer has taken a step in that direction by providing £4m towards the “Rome process”, which sees money going towards autocratic and failed states. If only Keir was as thoughtful with our money as he is with his own.

By now, Meloni was beginning to look fed up. What were these human rights abuses, she asked. The migrants had it coming. If anything, she had been far too nice to them. Albania was just like Italy except it was Albania. At this point, Starmer could have mentioned that Amnesty International had found Italy guilty of human rights abuses in its treatment of migrants. Only he thought better of it. Why spoil a beautiful relationship on the first date? Instead, he left Giorgia to fire the opening salvoes of the apocalypse. If Russia wanted a nuclear war over Ukraine, then bring it on. That should deal with the migrant problem once and for all.

We ended with Starmer being asked if he would continue to get Lord Alli to subsidise him and his wife’s clothes shopping. Keir sounded flustered. He hadn’t broken any rules. He had declared everything when he realised he needed to. Only he couldn’t explain why they hadn’t bought the clothes themselves. He could start a trend. We could all go into shops, expecting someone else to pay. I mean, it’s not as if Keir is hard up.

Giorgia drummed her fingernails. This was truly a crap level of corruption story. All over some suits. Italy could show them a thing or two about corruption. That’s how the Italian government works. Think Berlusconi and others. Trust Britain to be so downmarket in the scale of its ambition. Boris Johnson might have been a serial liar but he would never have got caught out over something as low-rent as a suit. For one thing, the state of him. Made not to measure.

Time to wrap things up.

“I’m off,” she said.

“So soon,” sobbed Keir. “Arrivederci.”