16 min Lovely from Arsenal Martinelli laying back to White and collecting the return, dipping inside Branthwaite via nutmeg – the defender can be found somewhere around Selhurst Park – but his shot is a little dragged and again, Pickford saves well.

14 min Odegaard fancies it today and he coaxes a ball to the far post where Trossard turns back … only to Pickford to prang behind, flapping a paw to send the ball behind before Havertz can tap hame.

13 min At the Etihad, City have West Ham punkt under the pump.

11 min Arsenal have lost a bit of their early momentum – a banger from a rival can do that to a team – and Everton are stating to play. The home side won’t mind that, necessarily – they’ll enjoy seeing Young in their half – but what’s this?! Branthwaite tries a suicidal pass across his own box, Martinelli intercepts and a lush touch from Odegaard sets the onrushing Rice for a shot … but from 12 yards, he can only drag a tiddler that Pickford saves easily at his near post.

9 min There are few teams more comfy in a rearguard than Everton, and their defenders, centre-backs especially, are fine box-men. Arsenal will need to prise them apart, and I wonder if third-man runs from their two number 8s are that they need to force that.

7 min Arsenal need to be careful now – the players will presumably hear what’s gone on in Manchester, and need to keep themselves focused to make sure they do their job. West Ham are more than capable of staying in the game until the closing stages (in theory).

6 min Rice teases a decent ball to the back post and Tomiyasu’s up … but from close-range he can only bungle a poor header wide. In co-comms, even Kindly Coisty reckons he should’ve scored.

5 min OH MY COMPLETE AND UTTER DAYS! Fill Phoden has just spanked in a sensational opener, astonished into the top corner from 20 yards, after 70-summat seconds!

4 min Odegaaard slides a characteristically clever reverse-pass down the side of the box for Martinelli, his cut-back is deflected and the ball’s loose in the box … but sprinting on to it, Tomiyasu can’t quite get there in time to finish, his shot blocked away.

3 min They’ve only just started at the Etihad.

3 min Back to Martinelli, my guess is that his superior pace – and therefore his ability to go on the outside – is why he’s on the right, rather than the two-footed Trossard, who arteta wants attacking the box and closer to goal.

2 min Arsenal have started like they mean it – they’re passing with tempo and conviction, Everton’s lines shuffling across to restrict their space.

1 min Ah, it’s Martinelli on the right with Trodssard on the left; ther former Havertz on the corner of the box, and he curves a decent effort wide of the far post.

1 min Away we go!

The players take the knee: all Black lives matter.

The PA plays North London Forever and we’re almost ready to go.

And here come the teams!

“Good morning from Pittsburgh!” chirps Eric Peterson. “It’s been a really weird month for this Evertonian, with so many games being played upon which survival doesn’t depend. Feels more like August than May. Oh well, I imagine the offseason will bring copious harbingers of doom courtesy of this whole 777 debacle. Like Rosanna Rosannadanna said, it just goes to show you, it’s always something.”

Our players are tunnelled…

“Re Arteta being devoid of ruthlessness,” writes Osman Aden. “Couldn’t disagree more. He was ruthless with Ozil, then with Aubameyang, who’d just won him an FA Cup. Recently, he’s not been shy to take a broom to the old groups of squad players (Chambers, Rob Holding, etc). But this season, most pertinently, Aaron Ramsdale, to the consternation of most of the press. I think he is more ruthless than you give him credit for. IMHO, he might be a bit too ruthless… (I’d have certainly kept Ramsdale…)”

Ah, I need to clarify: I said he was devoid of ruth, i.e. ruthless, so we’re in agreement. Raya was an opportunity, I guess: get him in and if he’s good, sell Ramsdale, and if not, sell him.

Gabriel is, I think, the player Cristian Romero should be, in that he’s largely discarded the wildness that made him a high-class semi-liability. He’s had a fantastic season – better even, perhaps, than his partner.

The other day, someone – Martin Keown I think – compared Gabriel and Saliba to Vidic and Ferdinand. There’s not much higher praise than that, and though they’re a handful of titles and a Champions League behind, I see a congruence in the way they complement each other, Gabriel the slightly wild ball-monster and Saliba the smooth sweeper-upper – with each also able to the other’s job.

Oh goodness me, Rio is also wearing broon manager’s plimsolls.

Also for your delectation:

Email! “…And relax.” begins Charles Antaki. “Their fans know that Arsenal aren’t going to win the league – they might not even win this game – but it doesn’t matter. It’s been great. We can revel in Declan Rice’s Stakhanovite up-and-downing, drool at Ødegaard’s talent, cherish Saka’s general lovability (and wish that Arteta had given the boy a bit more of a rest occasionally) and take vicarious delight in Ben White’s skulduggery. Also: Saliba, Gabriel, Havertz. Plus much more. The league? Maybe next year.”

There’s an old writerly saying that, when editing and revising work, you’ve to “kill your darlings,” i.e. take out stuff you love because it’s not a perfect fit, thereby elevating the work. Arteta, I’m sure, loves his players but also seems a bloke totally devoid of ruth; he’ll have to show it this summer, I think, to take this team on.

Where is the game? Everton will make Arsenal go around them if they possibly can, Onana and Gueye patrolling the width of the pitch in front of the back four. Without Saka, Arsenal might find this harder than usual – Leandro Trossard might have to go on the outside, if he can, while Ben White underlaps, in order to stretch the pitch.

Otherwise, I’m a little surprised it’s Takehiro Tomiyasu at left-back, not the more offensive and creative Oleks Zinchenko, because I can’t see James Garner running at anyone. But he’s on the bench – as is Jurrien Timber – should he be required.

Everton, meanwhile, will look to get at Arsenal from set-pieces and crosses – Garner and McNeil are both capable of excellent delivery – but otherwise, expect them to stay in shape and invite Arsenal to break them down.

Sean Dyche says it’s been a difficult season, some self-inflicted some not, and everyone involved with the club deserves praise, him included. Yes, he really did say that; of course he did. Everton are in a good place now, he reckons, and their job today is to play well.

Of course there’s also this that might be more relevant: an Arsenal side who, with the league gone, turned on the ridiculous style at the end of 02-03.

Back to Tony Adams, he, of course, scored an alright goal playing at home to Everton in 1998. I can’t lie, I was on my gap yah at the time and I may or may not have missed it, scarpering from the pub at half-time to avoid grief off my mates, and looking back, there’s something moving about the look of pure peacefulness on Adams’ face as he celebrated. He must’ve feared he’d never again experience a moment like that; he must’ve feared he might never again experience a moment; so who can begrudge it him?

On the way to the bus stop, I called my dad, who advised me – OK, consoled me – with the news that Manchester City had been relegated. Not sure those are words anyone will be typing anytime soon.

But he’s not the only former England centre-back and lifestyle guru making a statement…

A tremendous rig from TA, perhaps missing three Adidas stripes down the arms and a JVC in the middle.

On which point, two players in Everton’s spine are very highly rated, Jarron Branthwaite and Amadou Onana, so how do we see them? I like Branthwaite, but wonder if he’s got elite-level potential, but have never seen Onana play well enough for me see him as close to that level – and being left out of a struggling side, as he has been this season, also makes me wonder.

Everton are unchanged following last weekend’s narrow win over Sheffield United, and there’s a fairly solid look about this XI. I expect Arsenal to win, but I also expect they’ll have to work for it.

There are those who think he’s at Arsenal to avoid presenting the trophy to City given the 115 outstanding charges; he explains that that’s just what they decided, which totally quashes all speculation and gets those wondering what on earth is going on conclusively telt. Amazingly Predictably, he’s asked no further questions on the topic.

He thinks it’s been a good season, doesn’t want to bin VAR – why would he I guess, seems unlikely he’s ever had an epochal goon for the sake of a subjective call made destroyed by a bloke in a truck at Stockley Park – but think sit has to improve. Naturally, he offers no detail whatsoever on this point.

Saka’s spot goes to Gabriel Martinelli, who Martin Keown says was dynamite in training when he went to watch on Wednesday but excuse my while I interrupt myself: Richard Masters, Premier league head syoot, is being interveiwed.

No I won’t; Arteta, clad in seasonal all black, is being interviewed by BT. Artetz explains that Saka has always been available – something his manager made a mission – and was gutted to pick up a a slight muscle injury in training. Otherwise, the Arsenal gaffer says it should be a special day, that City and Liverpool have set the standards, his men know the task is big and they need to be “almost perfect” – they’ve tried and will see if it’s enough.

Arteta wants help from the home crowd, congratulates Everton for what they’ve done in a difficult season, and that’s wa lot.

I’ll write these down, then we’ll wonder what they mean.

Teams!

Preamble